Captain's Blog: Halfway
Last night I had a dream. In this dream, I was making out with someone...and it wasn't J. I woke up in a panic and really sad. Normally when I have a weird dream, I tell him, or my brother or my best friends, Normally all I had to do to share this experience was roll over or send a text message. If I'm really feeling out of sorts, a phone call. I've been in grad school and the UK for just about six months now. As evidenced by my subconscious mind, I miss home. I have been independent since the moment I left the womb (a trait my mother finds ever so worrisome) and was taken aback by the feeling of homesickness. I took some self-reflection to reconcile with myself the feelings I experienced. For the first time, I have a sense of true belonging.
It goes like this, when I left for college it was an opportunity to grow into myself. I was stepping out of the shadow of an amazing older brother who excelled at just about everything, away from the close-knit family, extended family and surrogate family of my childhood and out into a world who, much like myself, had no idea who I was. This new experience taught me a lot and helped to define and flesh out my likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams...with a few noteworthy disappointments on the way. In that time I moved about for a while before settling in the A.
When I moved, I imagined being there two to five years tops. Two seemed like a stretch and five seemed astronomical but in my post-collegiate mind, that's what you did. You make a two to five-year plan. My plan included living in the A. Flash forward several years later and the decision to go back to school. Though the decision itself was a difficult one, in my mind I reverted back to my sixteen-year-old self, ready to set off on my University adventure.
Never in a million years did I consider that this time I would feel differently. So what changed? What brought on my intense bout of homesickness triggered by a senseless dream of affection?
I'd made a place for myself, a safety net of sorts and for the first time, I realized it wasn't immediately accessible. Homesickness felt like being a tightrope walker, glancing down and seeing your net but feeling like it's further away than you remembered. That split second is enough to distract you and the next thing you know...you are falling. Right now I feel like I am falling.
It's time for my net to catch me though. Generally, as I mentioned when I am in a funky mood I turn to my family and friends as a refuge. Now though, it's only up to me. So what am I doing about it?
Well, I have always thought that if you are out living your best left you wouldn't have time to worry about not doing so.
In that same vein, I have booked several trips to help distract me. I also have visits from friends to look forward to and more than enough school work. All in all, I just need to remember why I am here...and what waits for me back home.
Until next post...laters
It goes like this, when I left for college it was an opportunity to grow into myself. I was stepping out of the shadow of an amazing older brother who excelled at just about everything, away from the close-knit family, extended family and surrogate family of my childhood and out into a world who, much like myself, had no idea who I was. This new experience taught me a lot and helped to define and flesh out my likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams...with a few noteworthy disappointments on the way. In that time I moved about for a while before settling in the A.
When I moved, I imagined being there two to five years tops. Two seemed like a stretch and five seemed astronomical but in my post-collegiate mind, that's what you did. You make a two to five-year plan. My plan included living in the A. Flash forward several years later and the decision to go back to school. Though the decision itself was a difficult one, in my mind I reverted back to my sixteen-year-old self, ready to set off on my University adventure.
Never in a million years did I consider that this time I would feel differently. So what changed? What brought on my intense bout of homesickness triggered by a senseless dream of affection?
I'd made a place for myself, a safety net of sorts and for the first time, I realized it wasn't immediately accessible. Homesickness felt like being a tightrope walker, glancing down and seeing your net but feeling like it's further away than you remembered. That split second is enough to distract you and the next thing you know...you are falling. Right now I feel like I am falling.
It's time for my net to catch me though. Generally, as I mentioned when I am in a funky mood I turn to my family and friends as a refuge. Now though, it's only up to me. So what am I doing about it?
Well, I have always thought that if you are out living your best left you wouldn't have time to worry about not doing so.
In that same vein, I have booked several trips to help distract me. I also have visits from friends to look forward to and more than enough school work. All in all, I just need to remember why I am here...and what waits for me back home.
Until next post...laters
Comments