Decide

The past few weeks I've been having various versions of the same dream. Something happens tragically to J (death, injury, disappearance) and I am not only witnessing it I can't stop it from happening. However, I still try to. I scream, I fight, I look for help, every time and it's always the same outcome. His demise and my sorrow. I mentioned it casually to my therapist who pretty much posed the question: what am I not talking about to him? What am i holding on to that is manifesting in this way?

Tonight, he came home after a night out. He was loud, he brought home some folx he'd just met and though he did apologize for not warning me and for the disturbance, he didn't adjust his behavior. 

That's when it hit me (well technically 3 hours later when I couldn't sleep) it's the constant lack of consideration and thinking of me (and by extension my needs) that I afford to him. If I've come in from being out...I tiptoe in. I barely turn on lights. I get undressed in the dark. If I'm not ready to sleep, I find quiet ways to enjoy myself until bed. I had to get up three times to remind him & his guests that they were being loud. Not only for my sake but also for the sake of our close neighbors.

This isn't an isolated incident. It's just another manifestation of not acknowledging my feelings and needs. 

And I haven't brought this up to him in a while. And it's infiltrating one of my most precious activities.

So I need to decide how to approach the subject. So I can stop having these dreams or rather these nightmares.